I am sad. I feel it everywhere, all the time. even when there is something funny- after that instant- you can always feel the sadness lurking, around the corner, underneath your skin- just below your subconscious- making its way out- like a terrible ink spill – permeating everywhere. My conscious mind tries to keep it at bay and tightens the cover to contain all the sadness but then unforeseen triggers that occur during daily life just overwhelms the system and sets off my pop off valve which results in an deluge of tears spilling out everywhere. Here is a good example, I met Sam yesterday for dinner. He had texted me for my birthday and offered to take me out to dinner. I was nervous before the dinner but at the same time was looking forward to catching up with him. It has been one year since I last saw him and I had a feeling that we are in the exact same place emotionally when we last saw each other. We are still two lonely souls who are lost and still wandering around looking for some connection.
It felt good to see someone familiar, someone you use to emotional or still can emotionally connect with and yet someone who is not available to you- such a paradox of emotions spilling out everywhere. I commented on how his Mother sends me a birthday gift every year and we are still pen pals and then the tears just started to slowly pour down my face. I was sad for missing his family, missing his famliy’s love. I was sad for missing that when I was younger, missing an intact family, missing rosh hashanah celebrations. I cried for the appreciation of his mother’s love, for his family I would never have. I cried for the fact he is not who I can be with and yet I longed for him. I cried for happiness and relief that I could feel such strong emotions that have been bottled up- begging to be released. I perhaps should thank him for being such an effective trigger and I was finally able to cry it all out. It was not one of those boo hoo, ba wa wa dramatic crying fits. It was one of those silent polite, I’m still trying to muster a smile while there are tears overfilling my eyes, tears brimming to the edges and then falling one by one until they create a giant, continuous water slide down my face while I try to tell him how I am enjoying this moment of precious sadness. I thought it would end, but the deluge of tears just kept on falling, down my face while I looked at him with a small embarassed smile although I wasn’t trying to hide it. It felt a little freeing to be able to release so much that I was carrying. “No llores, no llores,” sam said while holding out his hand across the table to meet mine. I just sat there soaking up the sadness quietly with puddles on my face, on my neck, on my shirt and onto my napkin.
I know that Sam knows that he still cannot give me what I want and it probably pains him to see how much he can hurt me and probably cannot do that again- or at least that is what I remember from last year’s annual meet up. He wants to be free and yet yearns to be with someone. I sometimes yearn for his company but know that he cannot commit. I wish I did not need a commitment, the signifier of marriage. but as a perfectionistic Virgo, I do want that. I do want someone to CHOOSE me, to WANT me, to welcome me for my faults as well as my madness and despite all that, want to be with me till death do us part. Perhaps this is an unrealistic fantasy and my bar is set too high but for someone reason it is available to others and I’m still waiting. still here, being alone, being emotionally sad, feeling incomplete and empty.
I do feel love from my friends but i still crave this physical and emotional connection with a partner. perhaps now that I have wanted it so much for so long that it is now a bottomless cavern that no one can ever fill. But i’m expecting anyone to fill it! I want a companion to share joy, to share sadness, to share soup! I am not expecting anyone to complete me but I want someone to share everything with, I want to give someone romantic love. For now, just sadness. I rationally repeat this mantra, ” this is not forever, this is temporary, this is just now.” and yet the sadness still overwhelms. I read the book “what do you care what other people think?” by Richard Feynman. I cried everytime he wrote I love you to his partner Gweneth and he signs his letters with “your husband loves you, your husband.” I love the simplicity and the love he expressed for his wife. Makes me cry everytime- another trigger….