Warning: no proofreading has not occurred yet- feedback is welcomed!
It happened. I have officially been dick pixed or rather texted a picture of a rather large erect circumcised penis. I couldn’t even make this stuff if I tried. I went out with a guy who I met on some dating website with a name as dumb as “coffee meets bagel” and turns out they live right above me in the same building. There was some hesitations on both our parts but then again I have never seen him- that just tells you something about NYC living- you IGNORE your neighbors or run away when you hear footsteps so you do not have to engage in god forbid, small talk- the worst. Anyways, he is 43 and did look old- something about his pictures made him look cocky – perhaps his hispter outfits but he is 43 or maybe his overconfident poses, or his raised eyebrow over coffee. I’m still wondering why I went out with him when I knew I was not that attracted. We went to a super cute place called Metrograph in “our” neighborhood. He was nice enough but after the first 5-10 minutes of our conversation, it was obvious to me I was conversing with a narcissist. They always start out asking about you (to be polite) but it is a mere step off point for them to interrupt you and talk about themselves. Then they say, “enough about me, what about you?” At each point, you are hopeful and again think he is perhaps interested but it always ends the same way, he interrupts you to launch into his own story saving the world. one thing they love doing is name dropping to make themselves feel important, whether it is architects, designers, artists, musicians, movies, they rant on and on about so and so, and all you can do is pretend to be interested despite that you might not know who some of these people are. but then that just gives them a window to feel all puffed up which is just giving them too much satisfaction in my opinion. Funny thing about dating is, once you dated a narcissist, it is really easy to spot one 20 miles aways. Let’s not forget things like “you should really google me, i have so much cool stuff about me.” “how can I google you if I do not know your last name.” They are of course dying to give it to you and he texted it to me in less than 2 seconds. don’t you love it when someone ASKS you to google them?? red flag number 2. The best part is when he does it for me and proceeds to scroll through all this “merits.” Don’t you just love modest men? The next thing is I ask about his family, he immediately shows me a picture of her younger sister and proceeds to tell me how beautiful she is (as if that is her only qualifying characteristic- obviously to him it is. I then proceed to ask politely, “why are you telling me this?” To which he replied, ” to show you what great genes I have and that we will have beautiful children.” ok….not sure what to say in response that. So as you can imagine, there are lot of insert the both of here being married, or together, or holding hands or even having kids or moving to california together all throughout the night during our first date. did not know how we even got there! And of course I then was told the “perfect” age to get married which is of course when the women is 36 (that is how old I am) and when the man is 43 (his age). What a coincidence! not sure if I should act disgusted or feigned surprise- both distasteful and ridiculous. This whole time, let’s not forget how touchy, feely he is, always finding a way to touch my face, my back, moving his seat closer towards me. every couple of minutes would put his fanciful hipster clear plastic bifocals to take a look at my beautiful face, or at least that is what he told me. There are so many other examples to support his narcissistic personality, it is almost like a joke.
I went to his instagram and can you guess what is self blurb says? “Enough about me. Let’s talk about you.” I almost died when I saw that. Did he just self diagnose himself with narcissistic personality. We have not gotten up the best part yet. The night is not complete with him putting his hands all over me after 3 cocktails a piece. He walked me home- hilarious since we live in the same place. Yes we did make out a little bit but that was it. I thought it was so funny that he “asked” me to hold his hand or rather just held my hand and pretended to ask to be polite. Yes red flag #23242 for narcissism- no sense of boundaries- ok I did not put up that much resistance but on the first date?
I was so bold as to go his apartment to see his apartment- I know terrible, my curiosity got the best of me. He was going on and on about his design job and his sense of design that I just wanted to see how he decorated his apartment. He wanted me to lay down on his bed as he serenades me with his guitar, that was my cue to leave. I was not that attracted to him but i was not hard to jet at that point. that was when the crazy texts started. He was obviously very agitated that I left after he was all ready to shove something somewhere. He has already said all this many times but he proceeded to text me telling me how beautiful, sexy, smart I was and how much he loves my body. Next came the erect penis photos. yes plural- he proceeded to send me not one but two close use penis photos. I’m not sure if I was confused or just disgusted or too shocked for words. What does this mean? How can anyone find this attractive? I’m obviously not drunk enough to appreciate the nuance. I love how he then proceeds to text me all night long, asking me if I was “aching” like him and how turned on he was. Uh….no, I just wanted to go to bed. Pro-tip, you know someone is crazy when they keep on texting by themselves and you see them getting insecure as the texts progress. As if you are visually witnessing that they are realizing their madness. or maybe that is too advanced for narcissists, that is assuming they actually have empathy – which they actually lack for others. Previous to this, I had already texted good night and put it on “do not disturb mode” but still I woke up flurry of texts which ends with “is it ok that I’m thinking about you like?” Obviously not. Get the hint. What I’m thinking is…who would be ok with that? Why would anyone be ok with that? and instead of making comments like “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU???” i was way too polite because a) my brain have no yet developed a protocol for what to do when I have been dick pixed aka texted a picture of a huge cock and b) this weirdo lives in my building so it is best not to be too upfront lest I run into him tomorrow when I’m walking into my apartment- yikes! Soinstead I write sweet and crazy like “I’m flattered but I’m too tired- good night!” WHAT??? I guess that was what my brain came up after being on 3 drinks and processing a) and b). the worst part is that I feel so SORDID and terrible with these dick pics on my phone!! I’m a pediatrician for christ’s sake!!! Can I go to jail for this? but then I want nothing more than to show my friends this pics so we can all have a good laugh about it…or maybe I just want to them to validate my confusion. It can only happen when others witness it with you, right????